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Licking His Popsicle Part Trois: Choking Down His Fuckstick

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The Magical Return of Yodi, The Dick Whisperer

I started this blog three years ago as the direct result of my friends telling me that I gave them the best advice and most interesting and funny insights into gay sexuality. Sadly, my followthrough with the project was short-lived and I only got a few posts in before abandoning the project. Now, nearly three years later, I am re-opening the doors into the deepest, darkest depths of my delinquent mind for you, the public, to explore. My goal is to post at least weekly, although, I am not known for consistency so, you may get 10 posts one day followed by a month of darkness. My ideas for writing generally come from questions my friends/readers ask me, so I encourage you to send me questions/topics. 

Also, my best friend, Tabs, and I are moving forward with a brain child that we have had for several years.  I am happy to announce that we are starting our podcast, Aqua de Douche (if you're too dense to read through the title, it translates as Douche Water). Why would someone name their podcast Douche Water you ask?...  Because we intend for it to be a complete shit storm about nothing and everything at the same time. Think of it as your one-stop-shop for all things inappropriate, crass, and generally distasteful humor.  So, listen to our pilot episode which will be online within the week!  Visit the website at aquadedouche.com, email us at aquadedouche@gmail.com, and add us on Facebook at facebook.com/aquadedouche. 

Thanks for reading!

What Are You Buttering Your Waffle With?

Cum, Jizz, Spunk, Splooge, Boy Butter: is there a difference?  After my last post, which gave very specific classification rankings to the male anatomy, I felt it necessary to do the same thing with the products of said anatomy.  Buckle up…this could get interesting.  And, please don’t forget to put on your protective eyewear. 

Let’s start with the not-so-obvious for a lot of people…unless you’ve been around the block once or twice (okay fine, 15,000 times) you might not realize that there is a big difference in the cream filling among different guys.  I consider it my personal duty to educate you, the general public.  What’s the difference you ask?  For our purposes we will be looking at three primary qualities: quantity, consistency, and of course, taste.  For those of you that get queasy at the thought of swallowing a decent load, you might as well go ahead and log off now and get back to watching reruns of Matlock with your mother whom you no doubt still live with.  As for the rest of you cum guzzlers, let’s get to it!

Here is a very simple system to keep you informed:

Cum: This is your basic generic term for ejaculate.  I would venture to say that it is safe to use this term whenever you want without the implication of any specific qualities to that extra dose of protein you’re lapping up. 

Jizz: The basic qualities of your average jizz would include: a modest quantity of ~1/2 teaspoon – 1 teaspoon, near clear in color, and usually will be sweeter than most.  This is also an extremely common result for those individuals that hit the big “O” more than once a day.

Spunk: As we move up to spunk a few things change.  Quantity will now range up to at least a full teaspoon, often more.  Color will usually be a more opaque white and taste, although can be sweet, usually is almost tasteless, sometimes bordering on bitter - arguably the most common result.

Splooge: Graduating to the next level of creamy mouthwash, the primary difference you will notice will be a pale yellow tint and a more bitter taste.  This is often the case with guys that only shoot their rockets once or twice a week.

Boy Butter: This would be the most adventurous load on our scale.  Here you would be dealing with ~2 teaspoons or more, a slightly deeper tint, and an almost undoubtedly bitter taste.  This would typically be the result of someone that hasn’t gotten his nut off in at least a week if not more.

One important thing to note is that taste can be altered using a few different methods.  It’s all about diet.  The more natural foods you consume (whole foods, specifically fruits/veggies) the sweeter the end result…literally.  Things that cause a more bitter result would be dairy products and red meat.  So blow a vegetarian and you might like the results more than those of your carnivorous counterparts.  As a side note, being well hydrated usually helps with a whiter/clearer appearance as well as a less potent flavor.

Now that you can consider yourself well educated on all things penis pudding, maybe you’ll have a better appreciation for the cream filling at the center of whatever Swiss Cake Roll your sucking on.  Have fun and don't forget to subscribe, comment, and send me messages bitchez! :)

Cum Gun Classification

Let me preface this post by giving a shout out to Brad and Gerry from The Bend Over and Take It Podcast (available on iTunes) because it was actually one of their podcast episodes that I heard this discussion

With all of the colorful and diverse synonyms we have for the male genitalia, it would be nice to have some guidance and a better sense of what you are dealing with based on name.  Therefore, Brad and Gerry provided a fantastic (and I believe accurate) 4 class system: Penis, Dick, Cock, Schlong.  While this scale can be somewhat subjective in nature, I think you will agree with it.

Let us start with "penis":  to put it simply, this is a less than desirable class to be in.  Although it may be the "technical" term, I doubt you will ever find a decent porn where some chick is getting plowed and says in her exceedingly screechy and shrill pornstar voice, "Yeah baby!  Fuck me with your penis!".  Why?  Because "penis" is not sexy.  "Penis" sounds clinical, boring, and icky.  On a sizing scale, I would say "penis" can be applied to anything under 5.5".

Next we have the "dick": this is probably where the majority of guys fall.  There really is nothing wrong with "dick" at all in most cases for most people.  I'll go ahead and apply the range of greater than 5.5" and up to 7".  It's a decent dick, he can probably still make you squirm with it, and it is nice and easy to swallow the whole thing which makes you feel accomplished.

Moving on to "cock": larger than a dick, the cock is kind of my idea of the perfect fleshrod in most cases.  Over 7" and under 9", the cock is nothing short of a work of art.  Although not uncommon, most guys will probably claim they have a cock when they probably don't.  It is a bit more of a challenge to take it all down your throat but any good queen can handle it like a champ ;)

Lastly, we have the revered and mystical "schlong": over 9" puts any guy with a schlong into an elite group that almost anyone would kill for.  I have heard some people say that they couldn't take bigger than that if they tried, and to them I say...you aren't trying hard enough.  And, with a little practice and dedication, you should be able to swallow up to about 10" before it become a true obstacle (I say that only because I've never had the opportunity to attempt larger than 10" before).

So there you have it.  A simple 4-class system to naming a cum gun.  Where do you fall?  Where does your boyfriend fall?  This is a super fun conversation to have in a nice restaurant while talking inappropriately loud...I highly recommend it.

Comment and e-mail me bitchez ;-)

Licking His Popsicle Part Deux: If You Aren't Using Your Tongue, You're Doing It Wrong

This is somewhat of an add-on to my first post about sucking cock.  After re-reading, I realized that I had neglected one very important technique.

Something I learned several years ago was that you can't just open your mouth, take a dick, and expect any results above mediocre.  Repeat after me, "My tongue is a source of extreme and never-ending power."  Here's the deal, if you don't make good use of your tongue, then it might feel to him like he is fucking a two-dollar street whore who's pussy is so fucking loose that he might as well be fucking empty air (insert hotdog in hallway joke here) - LOL.  One of the best techniques I've learned is simply the curling of the tongue.  If you can curl your tongue into a "U" shape, then you already have the only tool you need.  If you didn't master this at age five then there is no time like the present to learn.  Personally I can curl my tongue to make three "U's" at once, so you can only imagine what I am capable of (it's okay to be jealous).  While you're swallowing his meatstick, apply the same muscle control to your tongue that you would to create the "U".  If his dick isn't embarrassingly small, you most likely won't be able to actually form the "U" completely around it, but that muscle control applied upward around his shaft will definitely increase pleasure.

Have fun kids!  Leave me a comment or e-mail me: meageropulence@gmail.com so that I can give you one-on-one guidance and explain exactly why I am in all likelihood better than you ;-)  Thanks for reading!

Things EVERYONE Should Know About Licking His Popsicle

I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have been asked for advice on how to make a guy go wild with the perfect BJ.  Something that I hear pretty often from straight guys and gay guys alike is that they often have someone tell them how great they are at giving head only to be very disappointed when that person provides them with a subpar oral performance.  Hopefully, this post will provide you with some tips that you might not have previously considered.  Remember that you have to take the individual cock into consideration because they are NOT all created equal. 

I think we can all agree that teeth are your enemy when you have a fleshrod jammed halfway down your fucking throat.  Unfortunately, there are no magic tricks to this part.  As I’m sure your mother always told you, “practice makes perfect”.  So, make your mother proud and practice keeping those fucking shards of bone out of the way when you’re sucking his cum gun.  The simplest, most effective way to accomplish this is to wrap your lips around your teeth…much like an 80-year-old woman looks when she removes her dentures.  Master this and you will have won half the battle.

One of the most common things I hear from people is that they can only get it down an inch or two and then they hit their gag reflex and are unable to go any further.  My initial response to this is “quit being such a pussy and learn to take a dick bitch!”  But, being a BJ connoisseur I consider it my duty to fix this problem.  There are a few things you can do to improve this: the easiest thing to remember is that positioning is key.  Have him lie down and then lay the opposite direction beside or over him (in a 69 fashion).  With his dick facing up towards his belly and you facing the opposite direction, extend your throat forward so that your neck is extended (as if you were tilting your head backwards).  This motion opens up the back of your throat and reduces gag reflex sensitivity.  For many, this is a good way to train your throat and to gain better control of the muscles that control your gag reflexes.  It’s also easier to learn this way than to become bulimic for three years (which also just so happens to train that reflex very well).  Most guys enjoy the sensation of someone “deepthroating”.  However, there are a small percentage of guys that actually prefers that they don’t hit the back of your throat.  So, make sure that you know your guy’s preference before you go to town on that schlong.  Once you master the skill you should be able to go as deep as you want with minimal if any discomfort for yourself.  And, just for the record, some discomfort is normal…be a trooper…no one likes a whiney cock sucker.

Now on to the topic of what to do with your hands while servicing that big gorgeous meat stick; you have them - use them.  Unless, of course, you are a paraplegic or an amputee in which case I’m sure you aren’t getting any anyway.  As always, methods of stimulation need to be adapted for each individual – so get feedback from whoever’s flagpole your choking on.  Here are a few suggestions.  Don’t be afraid to play with his marbles – but, in the words of Bon Qui Qui, “Don’t get crazy!”  For most guys, a nice gentle massaging of his nuts will increase stimulation and sensitivity in a big way.  Be gentle but don’t be afraid to use them to increase the pleasure.  Some guys enjoy nipple play, so if that is your guy…tweaking his tits while your bobbing your head up and down his shaft will make him go wild.  The sexual pleasure spot for males is located at the prostate.  Often called the P-spot this is the male version of the G-spot.  Any pressure applied to the prostate will almost undoubtedly increase sensitivity and pleasure.  To do this, you can deeply massage his perineum, the area between his ass and the base of his shaft (also called taint).  In order to apply enough pressure to the prostate using this method, you have to press pretty hard.  So keep a close eye on your partner’s reactions as you do this.  One of the absolute best ways to increase sensation is to finger him while you blow him.  Obviously, this is something that you would want to clear with him before you go shoving things up his ass…and for obvious reasons, he’ll probably want to be properly groomed before allowing this.  As long as he is willing to experiment, this can be a very rewarding experience for him and you.  Take this process very slow at first – you would be surprised by the power that you hold in your little finger. 

The last thing I would like to cover in this post is spitters vs. swallowers.  It is my personal opinion that spitters are quitters and that anyone that isn’t willing to swallow a decent load doesn’t deserve the cock in the first place.  However, for those people that just can’t get past that idea, don’t make your partner feel guilty for cumming for fuck sake.  Don’t talk about how much you hate cum and start complaining about it making you sick.  If you don’t like to eat cum, then just talk to your guy before hand or sometime prior to him getting off and let him know that you want him to tell you when he is about to get off.  Right before he cums, you can continue jacking him off without using your mouth until he gets off.  You don’t have to swallow it – but don’t be afraid of it.

Well, that’s it.  I hope that you have read something here that gives you at least a little insight into giving a proper BJ.  This is an art form that takes dedication and practice.  Just keep in mind that you are doing this for him, not you.  Unless of course you are like me and you enjoy sucking cock more that having someone suck yours.  But, not everyone can be as wonderful as me ;)

 Leave me comments or e-mails.  Have fun and stay fabulous bitches!