Cum Gun Classification

Let me preface this post by giving a shout out to Brad and Gerry from The Bend Over and Take It Podcast (available on iTunes) because it was actually one of their podcast episodes that I heard this discussion

With all of the colorful and diverse synonyms we have for the male genitalia, it would be nice to have some guidance and a better sense of what you are dealing with based on name.  Therefore, Brad and Gerry provided a fantastic (and I believe accurate) 4 class system: Penis, Dick, Cock, Schlong.  While this scale can be somewhat subjective in nature, I think you will agree with it.

Let us start with "penis":  to put it simply, this is a less than desirable class to be in.  Although it may be the "technical" term, I doubt you will ever find a decent porn where some chick is getting plowed and says in her exceedingly screechy and shrill pornstar voice, "Yeah baby!  Fuck me with your penis!".  Why?  Because "penis" is not sexy.  "Penis" sounds clinical, boring, and icky.  On a sizing scale, I would say "penis" can be applied to anything under 5.5".

Next we have the "dick": this is probably where the majority of guys fall.  There really is nothing wrong with "dick" at all in most cases for most people.  I'll go ahead and apply the range of greater than 5.5" and up to 7".  It's a decent dick, he can probably still make you squirm with it, and it is nice and easy to swallow the whole thing which makes you feel accomplished.

Moving on to "cock": larger than a dick, the cock is kind of my idea of the perfect fleshrod in most cases.  Over 7" and under 9", the cock is nothing short of a work of art.  Although not uncommon, most guys will probably claim they have a cock when they probably don't.  It is a bit more of a challenge to take it all down your throat but any good queen can handle it like a champ ;)

Lastly, we have the revered and mystical "schlong": over 9" puts any guy with a schlong into an elite group that almost anyone would kill for.  I have heard some people say that they couldn't take bigger than that if they tried, and to them I say...you aren't trying hard enough.  And, with a little practice and dedication, you should be able to swallow up to about 10" before it become a true obstacle (I say that only because I've never had the opportunity to attempt larger than 10" before).

So there you have it.  A simple 4-class system to naming a cum gun.  Where do you fall?  Where does your boyfriend fall?  This is a super fun conversation to have in a nice restaurant while talking inappropriately loud...I highly recommend it.

Comment and e-mail me bitchez ;-)